Where did my confidence go?

This is me to a T. When things go well, I begin to sabotage myself. Lately, I have been running the gambit of emotions and plain yuck. I want to scream, run, and hide! Often times, i get myself into these lovely little predicaments. Oh the pain that I cause myself. I don't need satan to ruin me. I do a fine job on my own...Thank you very much! I have yet given taken the time to heal over all the other junk that I have allowed in my world to cause deep battle scars. 

For a brief period in time over the last two years, I have gained this false sense of confidence of being a strong independent woman. I stand in front of the mirror and see the fading of that once innocent young lady looking back at me. It is almost as if there is a longing to step into my adulthood. I say false confidence because it has always been shallow and based on the opinion of others of my appearance. I get compliments. I am told that I am attractive, yet I still find myself empty. I walked away and pushed my relationship with God to the back burner. I reminisce on the days when I felt so close to him. That is the confidence that I desire. I don't care to turn heads. I just want the attention from my King. 

I know this may not seem to make sense to someone who typed 'bipolar' in the search description to see something deemed religious, but without the guidance and leading of the Spirit my ups and downs become much more of a struggle. Bipolar disorder is neurological, but it is amazing how our entire mental health relies on a foundation of emotional and spiritual health. It is almost as our government is set up to check and balance one another. Each component has a special role to fulfill. When one is lacking, they all tend to suffer. We are beings that were created to worship. You may not bow to a statue in your home, but that television or sport may take president in your life. 

I am in an amazing relationship, but I still shake my head in disbelief as to how one person can love me through the manic and depressive phases that I cycle through. I often want to give up and give in because it is almost too good to be true and I wonder how could I ever deserve such love. I wonder if I give enough back. I am scared out of my mind that he will about face and get the hell out of Dodge. Nonetheless, this man stays and says that I am worth it. I give love without condition, but receiving it is such a task for me. 

Our minds are amazing super computers, constantly adapting and creating new pathways. It is no wonder why people who suffered some form of trauma as a child suffers from bipolar. It has the power to heal itself. I need to reboot from time to time and let people love me. It is time to regain the confidence that I am a strong, beautiful woman. It is time to let God and let go. 

My hope is that this even touches one person. May you have the strength to travel the road of healing in your own life. May you be blessed. I may as well do some work while i am up at this lovely early morning hour.