It is quite amazing how our minds work. Doctors can dissect a physical brain, while a psychologist can dissect thought patterns. If only I could breakdown my own emotional rollercoaster.
I have been on and off of my meds because of a lack of routine due to a choice to temporarily place myself in a very unhealthy living environment. (Not that I had a clue that it would cause so much damage). I am finally into my own space with my kiddos and things are moving along well. I put my meds where I can see them, and I take them. The break and inconsistency of not taking a mood stabilizer is awful. I have a hard time knowing which way is up.
I am now in a thriving, healthy relationship that I am just waiting for it to fall apart. I am numb lately. I want to cry over silly little things. Tears are right behind my eyelids waiting to fall. Who knows why I feel like I have this mindset. Oh, I am sure that many would be eager to give their ungodly diagnosis of crazy. I mean...sometimes I really feel crazy. I want the world around me to be real, yet I feel another dimension of sorts.
Being a born-again-Christian, I totally get that there is more to life than my little problems or issues. I keep coming across things that remind me of a small glitch in the Matrix of my life. It is scary to think that one little blip can infect my entire day. I walk around as if I am not inside myself. I live in a world within my brain that no one can touch or see. I want it that way because it would scare the hell out of anyone that would peek through the cracks.
As I am typing away, I can see my ex-husband on the other end reading these going "yep! SEE! I told you she's nuts!" How does he even still occupy even a pin drop in my brain? Usually, I push him out, but he is always there judging me, laughing, waiting for me to fail. I digress. He isn't my GLITCH! He was an outright travesty of a decision. He comes rarely to mind unless I come across something in my bible that I wrote and he went behind to give me scripture to ' heal my brokenness.' I tore those pages out this morning.
The GLITCH is that thing that I don't want to let go of with intense stubbornness. Yet, I do want to erase it! It is in most everything that I see. It is in everything that i do. It has me standing on a precipice looking down wearing away at the earth beneath my feet. If I don't step away from the ledge, I will ruin everything good and wonderful that God has planned for me.
Bipolar is my Glitch that holds on to those insignificant seasons in my life. I have the choice! I will renew my mind with the word of God.
Hebrews 13: 6-5
The author of this book is questioned by theologians (Paul, Luke, Apallos, Barnabas, or James) In all questions, the truth stands. It remains. The words are powerful reminders that "God is faithful"
"I will never fail you. I will never forsake you"
so I say, "The Lord is my helper, so I will not be afraid. What can mere __________ do to me?"
In the scripture, it says mere mortals but I am fairly certain this can apply to thoughts as well. I give them too much power.
Thank you for reading. My prayer is that my words bring encouragement to those who struggle, those who watch loved ones struggle, and those who judge those who struggle.
