Glitch in the Matrix

It is quite amazing how our minds work. Doctors can dissect a physical brain, while a psychologist can dissect thought patterns. If only I could breakdown my own emotional rollercoaster.

I have been on and off of my meds because of a lack of routine due to a choice to temporarily place myself in a very unhealthy living environment. (Not that I had a clue that it would cause so much damage). I am finally into my own space with my kiddos and things are moving along well. I put my meds where I can see them, and I take them. The break and inconsistency of not taking a mood stabilizer is awful. I have a hard time knowing which way is up.



I am now in a thriving, healthy relationship that I am just waiting for it to fall apart. I am numb lately. I want to cry over silly little things. Tears are right behind my eyelids waiting to fall. Who knows why I feel like I have this mindset. Oh, I am sure that many would be eager to give their ungodly diagnosis of crazy. I mean...sometimes I really feel crazy. I want the world around me to be real, yet I feel another dimension of sorts.

Being a born-again-Christian, I totally get that there is more to life than my little problems or issues. I keep coming across things that remind me of a small glitch in the Matrix of my life. It is scary to think that one little blip can infect my entire day. I walk around as if I am not inside myself. I live in a world within my brain that no one can touch or see. I want it that way because it would scare the hell out of anyone that would peek through the cracks.

As I am typing away, I can see my ex-husband on the other end reading these going "yep! SEE! I told you she's nuts!" How does he even still occupy even a pin drop in my brain?  Usually, I push him out, but he is always there judging me, laughing, waiting for me to fail. I digress. He isn't my GLITCH! He was an outright travesty of a decision. He comes rarely to mind unless I come across something in my bible that I wrote and he went behind to give me scripture to ' heal my brokenness.' I tore those pages out this morning.

The GLITCH is that thing that I don't want to let go of with intense stubbornness. Yet, I do want to erase it! It is in most everything that I see. It is in everything that i do. It has me standing on a precipice looking down wearing away at the earth beneath my feet. If I don't step away from the ledge, I will ruin everything good and wonderful that God has planned for me.

Bipolar is my Glitch that holds on to those insignificant seasons in my life. I have the choice! I will renew my mind with the word of God.
Hebrews 13: 6-5
The author of this book is questioned by theologians (Paul, Luke, Apallos, Barnabas, or James) In all questions, the truth stands. It remains. The words are powerful reminders that "God is faithful"
"I will never fail you. I will never forsake you"
so I say, "The Lord is my helper, so I will not be afraid. What can mere __________ do to me?"

In the scripture, it says mere mortals but I am fairly certain this can apply to thoughts as well. I give them too much power.



Thank you for reading. My prayer is that my words bring encouragement to those who struggle, those who watch loved ones struggle, and those who judge those who struggle.

Where did my confidence go?

This is me to a T. When things go well, I begin to sabotage myself. Lately, I have been running the gambit of emotions and plain yuck. I want to scream, run, and hide! Often times, i get myself into these lovely little predicaments. Oh the pain that I cause myself. I don't need satan to ruin me. I do a fine job on my own...Thank you very much! I have yet given taken the time to heal over all the other junk that I have allowed in my world to cause deep battle scars. 

Happily Never After

The fact is that I am completely undone about romantic relationships. I have doubted, hated, and destroyed myself with poor choices in this aspect of the last 14 years of my life. Come to think of it I have always looked to others to validate me. Don't get me wrong, I don't need someone verbally smearing me with honey, but I have literally looked for myself in the eyes of another. 

I love to encourage others. I love to put into others' lives. I have just never learned to invest in myself. Over the past two years, I have learned who I am. I have not always acted like the princess that I know I can be or even should be.

I NEED A Wish Right NOW!

Manic episodes lend to wishing, dreaming, wondering...These lend to frustration and agitation. (for me anyways) This has been one hell of a summer. Life Never goes to plan, so I yell "Plot Twist!"

Battle Scars

This song hits me to the core. I have been in and out of relationships for the last 14 years of my life. Never giving myself a chance to breath, I ran from one to another. Impulsiveness is not unique for someone with a diagnosis of Bipolar.

Wind out of My Sails

It is in that moment that I am sailing along complete in my faith and knowing that God is healing me from the inside out, in spite of my foolishness, that I get a message from a ghost from my past. Unexpected, long awaited, life-giving words came to my e-mail inbox. I completely lost my breath. The wind was seeking absolution from the pain it caused.

If the Tennis Shoe Fits...

It has been approximately 11 months since I have stepped into the gym. This is the same gym that I have continued to pay a monthly fee of 21 dollars and some change. I guess if I would have cancelled it, then I may have never gone back. Well, that is what I am going to tell myself. On March 16th of 2015 I finally crossed the threshold and decided to put myself on a healthier path. I am tired of being tired. Dealing with the wearing of hypothyroidism, chronic Fibromyalgia, and  bipolar has taken a toll on my emotions, mind, and body. I am about to be 35 years young and I want to feel good about my body.