Happily Never After

The fact is that I am completely undone about romantic relationships. I have doubted, hated, and destroyed myself with poor choices in this aspect of the last 14 years of my life. Come to think of it I have always looked to others to validate me. Don't get me wrong, I don't need someone verbally smearing me with honey, but I have literally looked for myself in the eyes of another. 

I love to encourage others. I love to put into others' lives. I have just never learned to invest in myself. Over the past two years, I have learned who I am. I have not always acted like the princess that I know I can be or even should be.


I have literally run gauntlet in each relationship. I have had three major relationships. Yes, I even made them official. I thought I was doing the 'right thing'. Three marriages and three divorces have definitely tainted this wanna be princess. Two years ago, I walked away from my last marriage defeated, drained, and craving to be loved. This led to allowing attention from men that should have never been offered or even considered. With taking my medication regularly and using my support system, I thrive. When I don't, I wither. 

I can single-handedly destroy a relationship before it begins. For whatever reason, I can capture a man's attention quickly, but before long it is shattered like a broken mirror on the floor. Well, at least that is what it feels like. I get to a point where things get rough and I get full of shame, and I just don't want anyone to get close enough to see my failure. Then, I sabotage myself. I point out my own flaws out loud. I disengage relationally.  I mean, who wants to put up with my temporary strains and stresses? Who wants to put up with a moodiness that even I don't want to be around? 

I don't know how to act in a healthy relationship. I am really good at the combativeness and chaos, but I am tired. I have been infatuated with men before. I thought what I initially felt was love but realized too late, or so I thought, to step away because I was so invested. I did fall head over heals a while back, but I now see that it was God protecting my heart. I now have a shot at true agape love by a man who cherishes me and finds me to be the most beautiful woman anywhere around, yet I question. I wonder. I over think. Is he just infatuated? How could he possibly love me? I know that I was meant to love someone wholeheartedly. I know that I could truly love this man for the rest of our existence, but I hold myself back. I know that I can love, respect, honor, cherish, and see past his faults. I just don't know if I can get past my own faults to have my happily ever after. 

I am not daft enough to believe that it will be easy, but HE isn't the one who makes things complicated. I am. I have so much more healing to do. I have so much to sort through. I have to wonder. Does it make me not ready? I appreciate perspective of others, but only God can give me the peace that I need to pull through. I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. 








http://www.bipolar-lives.com/bipolar-spouse.html