Am I a lunatic? Welcome to my Bi-Polar World!

    The purpose of this BLOG is not to embarrass myself or others in my life. I will not call anyone out or spread gossip. This is my journey.  It is NOT a justification for idiotic and foolish decisions that I have made in my past.
I know that going undiagnosed has definitely allowed me to see how medication would have helped with my decision making as a young adult, but it is not fair to say that I would change a thing. My journey has made me who I am. I am proud of the mother, daughter, and friend that I have become and the obstacles that I have managed to overcome. None of this has been possible without my strength in Christ. Some may see that declaration as a crutch or appalling that I would even say that Christ had anything to do with my foolishness, but without my faith I would have crumbled under the weight of my choices and their consequences.

               

For those who don’t know ME on an intimate level may have preconceived notions.  You may have known of me for 3+ years now, so it is fair to say that you have an idea of who you think I am. You may attend the same church or even have me as a friend on Facebook. You may have attended a bible study that was held in my home or had a couple dinners with my family thereby giving you a false sense of who I am. I am not the person that I was yesterday. I am constantly growing and changing. Other than the fact that my mind and emotions take me on a daily sometimes hourly roller-coaster ride, I am adapting and changing all the time.

When I first started working at 18, I took a test that measured my personality traits. My manager explained my results to me this way, “You are a chameleon. You are a people-pleaser. For example, if I went and took a s*** on my car and handed you a roll of paper towels, then you would go outside and clean it up.” I know that my mouth must have been dropped quite a bit. I was stunned, shocked, and, most of all, very angry. Maybe it was true. 

Maybe there was some truth, but looking back I realize that people will always make snap judgments whether they mean to or not. I have done it. I have made outlandish and even ugly comments about others based on little information. In fact some of these comments may have been disclosed by someone who was supposed to have my back and gave only part of the story to make him or herself look good to others. It is amazing what one can do out of selfishness to take down another because he/she feels justified. If you are reading this, and you have been told comments that “came from my mouth”, please forgive me. I do caution you, however, to realize that when one talks out of both sides of a mouth it is simply self-serving no matter whom it hurts in the process. 

This blog will take you on my very complex journey and give you a better idea of what bi-polar can look like in non-medical terms. I don't expect accolades or 'that-a-girls' for sharing some of my depths, so I am choosing to keep my identity anonymous. I do have an email attached to this blog where I can communicate one on one. I want those who actually take the time to read my writings to finish a post and feel like they didn't waste their time, got a chuckle or two, and maybe even gained some understanding of mental illness. So to you who dare, step inside, keep your arms, hands, legs and feet safely tucked inside the parameters of the coaster car. Welcome to my WILD Ride!