Chasing the Wind

Most days my thoughts are caught by the wind and carried away. Today is one of those 'special' days. I am struggling with my medication lately. I took a trip in February, and have had a hard time getting back on schedule since then. My friend told me that she saw me cycle through mania and depression a few times over the span of that week of our vacation. That is a scary thought, since I promised myself that I would never let myself get there again.



On this quasi-vacation, I literally went to New England to chase the wind. Was it real? Was it rational? Was it appropriate? To me it was necessary for closure, but I had to prove that it was all real. To me he is real. I know the wind is there because it affects me.  I am now having a hard time processing the fact that I have NO effect on the wind or which direction it blows. During a short season, my eyes commanded it's attention without effort. Some may say that the wind doesn't exist or that it is all in my mind, but that would make me insane. I know full well that I am not. You can say that you don't see the wind and that is your only proof. Well, I have never seen the wind, but I can damn sure feel it. It sweeps over me even though it is no longer a calming warmth. Instead a cold, sharp wind now blows through me. It comes and goes. Thus is the nature of my thoughts that are tied to my heart.

Taking charge of my thoughts has become such a chore lately that I can barely breath. I want nothing more than to feel something other than numbness. However, there is a hope that lies within me that  is so strong because I know that I won't feel this everyday.

Recently I was told that i have been in a bad mood and that I am going through a grieving process. What I am is going through life chasing the wind. One day the wind will stop and maybe let me move on. But as long as I feel it, it is real. I will have to reach deep within me to be the chameleon that I can be and adapt. I do know that I can say without a doubt that I won't live with regret. I SURRENDER...